


Prologue: All of your secrets soon I'll see

by bubhh, SeaWitchDreams



Series: Stories Grim As Pistol Lead [1]
Category: The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire, Gen, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-13 10:42:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28902078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bubhh/pseuds/bubhh, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeaWitchDreams/pseuds/SeaWitchDreams
Summary: On Dr. Pilchard's first encounter with the mechanisms, and the creation of the Ignominious Conspiracy Board.
Series: Stories Grim As Pistol Lead [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2106585
Kudos: 14





	Prologue: All of your secrets soon I'll see

**Author's Note:**

> Introducing the technically-first part of the Great Vampire AU. Title is from 'The ignominious demise of Dr. Pilchard'.

_This is not the story we're here to tell._

_But before we get to the real stories, there are some things you need to know._

_Specifically, you need to know of this man._

_He's a rather... unimportant man, all things to be considered. He is not well known, and none of the members of the clan has ever met him - or at least, remembered doing so. And even if they had known or remembered him, the adjectives they would have chosen to describe him would not have been flattering ones. Boring, unimpressive… ignominious._

_But there has never been anyone as devoted as him to telling the story of the vampire clan known as the Mechanisms. and as that is the story we are here to tell, it is best that you know who he is._

*

This is the fifth body in the last two weeks in which the cause of death is vampires.

Nobody in the coroner’s office _says_ that, of course - can you imagine putting that in the official paperwork? - but everyone _knows_. Or at the very least, everyone is trying very, very hard not to know, with poor results. There aren't many ways to explain the drained blood and the twin puncture wounds in the neck, after all.

Dr. Jonathan Pilchard, head coroner and accomplished researcher, did not bother trying. The facts are the facts, and they are to be dealt with.

if only he had any idea how.

The police would be useless, of course. He will submit the official report, and they’ll read and wonder and question and refuse to believe and generally be no help at all.

And who else can one turn to, to notify of the problem of _vampires?_ There are no proper authorities, no one _qualified_ to solve that sort of problem. No one who would even acknowledge it exists.

"I will have to handle this myself." He concluded.

The corpse in front of him did not respond.

He supposed it was a small blessing.

So, how did one handle the problem of vampires? a thorough reading seemed to indicate that stakes were the most trusted and reliable way. Acquiring some was somewhat complicated, and he ended up having to take some sticks and try to sharpen them properly, but eventually he figured out how to create something that seemed vaguely like a weapon. It took him three days to create enough to feel well armed, and in that time no new body had appeared. He knew it was only a matter of time until the next one showed up, and the longer he waited, the more likely that was to happen. The next morning, upon coming to the office, he went to take a look at the reports of the vampire victims’ bodies.

They weren't there.

All the other reports and filed paperwork from the last few weeks was in its proper place, but every single one of the odd deaths was missing, as if it's never been there at all.

“Mina,” He asked, very quietly, without turning away from the empty cabinet. “In the past few days, has anyone come by and asked to look at our reports?”

“What? No, I don't think so.” The clerk replied from her desk. “Why, is there a problem? Lucy hasn’t mentioned anything when she came to file yesterday’s report.”

Dr. Pilchard blinked. “Lucy didn’t handle the case from yesterday.”

“Well, she must've handled something else, then, because she said she needed to use the folder for the most recent cases.”

Dr. Pilchard hesitated. “is she here right now?”

“Yeah, her shift ends in two hours. She is in the corner office.”

He made his way to the office, thoughts swarming. He had known Lucy for years - she was the most experienced coroner beside him, and always done her job well. She couldn’t possibly be working with the vampires - was she controlled? Did someone impersonate her? maybe he was thinking entirely in the wrong direction. Maybe Lucy had nothing to do with the missing files. It was possible she just needed to check something, and the files' disappearance the result of some… weird vampire magic.

He opened the door to the office without knocking. “Lucy, do you know - oh.”

Lucy, who scrambled to hide the familiar papers she was going through when the door opened, looked up guiltily. “um - “

“It _was_ you. You stole the missing reports.”

“I didn’t steal them! I’m _borrowing_ them. I’ll return them soon.”

“ _Why?_ ”

“Because - well, because of the vampires.” She said the last word defiantly, clearly waiting for him to react with scorn. “We both know that’s what’s going on, Doctor, and someone has to do something about it. So - I’m doing.”

“Alone?” He asked. “That sounds very dangerous.”

(he did, in fact, remember that he himself was planning to face the matter alone only a minute ago. But, well, now that he was thinking of it - that was a very bad idea).

“Abe agreed to help me.” She said. “He handled both the second and the fourth body, he understands what’s going on. He wants to stop it, too.”

Dr. Pilchard said. “So do I.”

She blinked in surprise. “Really?”

“Of course! As you have said yourself, the situation is outrageous! I have prepared stakes.”

Lucy hesitated, then grinned. “Well, three is better than two, so welcome to the squad, boss! We have a strategy meeting scheduled this afternoon.”

*

“Alright.” said Abe, looking at the corkboard in front of them. “I think that is a pretty good picture.”

They were all sitting in Dr. Pilchard’s office, around the board he sometimes used to organize his thoughts when facing complex issues. The autopsy reports, the photos they contained and other details the three had managed to obtain were pinned to it, with sticky notes added between them. On a piece of paper at the top of the board, in a bright purple pen, was the headline: _Information and leads: Mystery vampires._

“All of the victims had a high level of alcohol in their blood at the time of death.” Started Lucy, laying out their findings.

“Which we should all be proud of ourselves for figuring out. “ Added Abe. “Considering how little of it was still in them when we got them.”

“Right. The bodies were all left in different locations, without a discernible pattern.”

“ _But_ ,” continued Dr. Pilchard. “all those locations were fairly close to _this_ ” he pointed at the picture they had printed earlier from the bar’s site. “Establishment. It is a likely theory that all them drank the alcohol there - “

“And were either killed there, or followed from there and killed where they were found. As I said, a pretty clear picture.”

“We still don’t have any information on the vampires themselves - not their identities, or their abilities, or their number - I still think it could be a singular vampire, but - “

“there is absolutely no way.” Insisted Abe. “I mean, five bodies in less that two weeks? With that much blood drained from them? No single vampire could possibly need - or even _contain_ \- that much blood.”

“oh, because we know so much about vampire biology? Maybe they _do_ need that much blood. we can’t assume anything.”

“There is only one way to find out the answer to any of these questions.” Dr. Pilchard interrupted before the argument could begin for the third time in the last hour.

“I’m sure there are others.” said Lucy. “But yeah, the obvious one is probably our best course of action.”

Abe sighed. “Well, it’s not that far away.” He stood up. “Let’s grab those stakes and go vampire hunting.”

*

The place was surprisingly crowded when they arrived, for such a small establishment. 

Most of the crowd gathered close to the stage, where some sort of show was apparently just about to begin. The three of them made their way to a small table in the back.

“Alright.” Said Lucy as soon as they sat down. “We should be very alert now and observe the crowd carefully. We don’t know if the vampires will be here tonight, but if they are, they are probably fairly experienced in blending in. they will be hard to find - “

a loud cheer drowned the end of her sentence as the band was finally ready to start playing.

On the stage, a young man whose face was covered in odd black markings picked up a microphone. “Killers and renegades, liars and thieves, we are the mechanisms! a band of immortal vampires, roaming the earth in the ghost vehicle Aurora, having fun when possible, violence when hungry, and - “

“Or it could be easy.” Said Lucy weakly. “They could get up on the stage and yell it. I guess that could happen, too.”

*

Things progressed oddly after that.

The vampire in the lead introduced all of the others. Then he started dramatically telling a story about a train. Then a light haired presumably-vampire woman who was standing near a piano burst into song, with all the other vampires playing along. The song was also about the train.

None of this made any sense. I didn’t fit with anything he had read about vampires. None of his books said _anything_ about singing vampires. What were they doing? _Why_ were they doing it? What were they even singing about?

He was distracted from those thoughts when Lucy said, “This was a bad idea.”

He turned to her. “What?”

“We need to go.” She said, pale and urgent. “There are _seven_ of them, and three of us, with stupid homemade stakes, and we are not ready for this and we need to _go_.”

“We should stay and listen.” Argued Pilchard. “We came here to solve a problem, not run away from it! at the very least, we should gather information. All those songs could be full of vital knowledge!”

“They’re singing about magic trains.” Abe pointed out doubtfully.

“Well maybe they’re important magic trains! Evil demonic magic trains! you don't know! that’s why we have to stay.”

Lucy hesitated. “I really don’t think - “

“We don’t have to do anything. They won’t even know we are here. But we have to _learn_.”

Lucy was quiet for a long moment, considering. (On the stage, the vampire finished singing about the magic train and the narrator was monologing again - something about rainbows.) Eventually, Lucy sighed. She cast a questioning look toward Abe, who bit his lip and then nodded.

“Alright.” She said. “Let’s listen. Just make sure not to draw their attention.”

They sat at their back table for the next hour, trying their best to look like people who do not hide stakes in their coats. They did their best to concentrate on the story despite the creeping terror of their situation. It was not too hard a task - the story was fascinating, and heartbreaking, and completely useless as a source of information about their problem.

The train did turn out to be an evil demonic magic train, which Dr. Pilchard felt very vindicated.

As the story ended with a last monologue, Abe wiped a few tears discreetly from his eyes. “Alright, we can just get out unnoticed with the rest of the crowd and head to the office to plan our next step - “

“Now, one last thing.” The narrator’s voice rose again before he finished speaking. “See, we are leaving town tomorrow, and we had a great time here, we really did, and we decided we should do something special, to honor that.“ he pulled a gun from his belt. “So we’re gonna kill you all.”

He shot three times into the crowd before anyone had time to react. Then all hell broke loose. Several people started screaming. The room dissolved into chaos as people desperately tried to reach the doors, or other people, or just some form of shelter. The air was filled with the sound of screams, gunshots, loud crashes and maniacal laughter.

Pilchard, Lucy and Abe dove under the table, trying to find cover from the gunfire and chaos that filled the bar. 

“Why the fuck,” demanded Abe in a panicked whisper from his place under the table. “Does the vampire have a _gun_?! that should be against the rules!”

“Not our most pressing concern right now!” Hissed Lucy.

“I’d argue that it is, seeing as he is shooting at us!”

“Shut up! get your stake! We have to try and make a break for the door. Dr. - “

“I’m ready.” Said Dr. Pilchard, stake already in his hand. “The back door is safer. Run left.”

“Alright. One, two, three, go!”

They stumbled as fast as they could from behind the table and bolted for the exit, grabbing each other’s coats as they ran so as to not lose each other in the crowd. When they were halfway to the door, a bullet whistled right above their head. Abe caught the other two by their shoulders and pulled them quickly behind a nearby pillar.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” He hissed, voice breaking.” I was wrong before, _All of the vampires_ have guns _!”_

“not me.” The blond woman who played the piano earlier was suddenly behind them. She smiled pleasantly. “I have a taser. It’s neat.”

Then she seized Abe by his collar, and tore his throat out.

Lucy screamed. Dr. Pilchard stared, mind blank with shock and terror. Lucy grabbed his arm and started pulling away from the blood covered vampire ( _Abe’s_ blood. It was _Abe’s blood_ and she was _covered_ in it - ) and toward the exit.

They almost made it.

And then the thing was there.

It was not a vampire - If he could still be sure of anything, Dr. Pilchard was sure of that. This thing had never been human - simply an unsettling imitation. He didn’t notice it from the stage - was that thing even on the stage? - but from up close he could see it was not made of flesh, but of some off, hard material - clay? A thin mustache was painted on its face in a thin black line, somehow making the sight even creepier. It was dressed in a shiny uniform that seemed decades out of time. It was beaming at them. And its hand there was an old looking, loaded gun.

“Tally ho!” It said in a cheerful voice. “Did you like the show? You shouldn’t leave yet. We have all been so excited for this farewell celebration”

It brought the gun up. Dr. Pilchard dove to the floor. Lucy wasn’t fast enough.

something wet splattered on his back. Dr. Pilchard lay on the floor, the gunshot still ringing in his ears, and did not move.

The thing looked down at him. “Very good, old chap! you are quick.”

It reloaded the gun and aimed it at Dr. Pilchard’s head.

“Toy Soldier!” Called someone from inside. “Stop hanging by the door and come over here where it’s properly bloody.”

“Right away!” Without a second glance at the man on the floor, it turned away and strode into the room, the gun still in its hands.

Dr. Pilchard stayed laying on the cold hard floor for a long moment, listening to the roar of the massacre behind him. Then he pushed himself back to his legs with shaking hands, and stumbled to the door. The moment he was outside, he began to run.

He ran all the way back to his office, where he stumbled to the bathroom, breathless, and tried to clean himself of the blood.

When he was done, he walked back into the office. The corkboard was still there, covered in all of their notes. The bright purple of the headline sparkled.

Dr. Pilchard stood there and looked at it for an eternity of time. Then, carefully, he took everything off the board. He put it all in a small cardboard box, and put the box in a locked drawer. Then he sat down, pulled a piece of paper, and started writing. He wrote down, in orderly notes, everything that had happened that night - all that he’s seen and heard, anything he could remember that might have a use, and that the thing that didn't. He pinned all his writing to the corkboard.

He put a new headline at the head of the board. This one read: _Information and Leads: the Mechanisms._

Then he got to work.

Lucy had been right. They hadn't been ready. But he will be. He will learn.

*

_There. Now you know our poor story-hunter. Now we can begin._

_The book is laying open. There are tales to be told._

**Author's Note:**

> Some very important things you need to know:  
> 1\. Yes, we did name all the characters after characters from Dracula.  
> 2\. Yes, we did pick dr. Pilchard's first name with the explicit reason of annoying Jonny. And it will.  
> 3\. Noam wants to assure you everyone that Brian did get to join the celebration, as nastya shot his hat off his head as soon as the killing started.  
> 4\. Prior to that, Nastya and the Toy Soldier spent the entire concert sitting in the back and playing solitaire on Nastya's laptop. The are very good.
> 
> Come talk to us on tumblr! I am @annietheseawitch and Noam is @bubhh


End file.
